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#279487 - 08/05/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Logisteric]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
You liked it!
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The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#282052 - 03/06/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: tao]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
09/27/05

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate's technology which was stolen from another American - Steve Jobs, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by a Mexican illegal....That, my friends, is Globalization
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#284073 - 20/06/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: tao]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#284107 - 20/06/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: tao]

SPiRiT75
Corporal 1st class
Registered: 28/05/2011
Posts: 88
Loc: Z., Germany
priceless, the reaction of the news guy or whatever he is (dont know the show)
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#284183 - 21/06/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: SPiRiT75]

Marlboro Man

Major General
Registered: 12/10/2005
Posts: 7799
Loc: USA
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

wink

A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."

wink

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher."

wink
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#285254 - 01/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Marlboro Man]

Gorro der Grüne
Semitroll by appointment of Shanga I of Deidranistan
lt
Registered: 23/03/2009
Posts: 2709
Loc: Broadwurschd-City
q: "Mr. Cactus what do You know about human speech?"

a: "They always say >>outch!<<."
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I don't like users who edit posts after they've gotten an answer.

A lot of people start panicing when told to use their brains

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#287734 - 27/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Gorro der Grüne]

howareyou32
Sergeant Major
Registered: 30/03/2009
Posts: 1040
Loc: New York, New York
“Hey Frog, Frog, come here, please, give me a ride on your back and get me across the river will you?”

The Frog turned, “You think I’m crazy, man? You’re a Scorpion, I’m a Frog. The second I let you on my back, you’ll sting me in my back and kill me…”

The Scorpion shook his head and begged, “No Frog, I promise I wont, please, please help me across the river. If I sting you, you’ll drown, and I’ll die too.”

“Alright.” Said the Frog, and with that, the Scorpion got onto the frogs back and they started to make their way across the river. Half way there, the Frog turns to look at the Scorpion and sure enough, the Scorpion had stung the Frog in the back….

“Why did you go and do that? You promised you wouldn’t? Now we’re both going to die!” shrieked the Frog.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I couldn’t help myself…I’m a Scorpion, it’s in my nature…”
_________________________
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#287735 - 27/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: howareyou32]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
that was not necessarily a joke, but I understand what it is that you are implying.
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#287740 - 27/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: tao]

Marlboro Man

Major General
Registered: 12/10/2005
Posts: 7799
Loc: USA
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

wink


A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

wink


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

wink


Edited by Marlboro Man (27/07/2011)
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#287779 - 27/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: howareyou32]

lockie
Slasher of Threads ;-)
Major General
Registered: 13/02/2006
Posts: 7009
Loc: Scotland
Quote:
“Hey Frog, Frog, come here, please, give me a ride on your back and get me across the river will you?”

The Frog turned, “You think I’m crazy, man? You’re a Scorpion, I’m a Frog. The second I let you on my back, you’ll sting me in my back and kill me…”

The Scorpion shook his head and begged, “No Frog, I promise I wont, please, please help me across the river. If I sting you, you’ll drown, and I’ll die too.”

“Alright.” Said the Frog, and with that, the Scorpion got onto the frogs back and they started to make their way across the river. Half way there, the Frog turns to look at the Scorpion and sure enough, the Scorpion had stung the Frog in the back….

“Why did you go and do that? You promised you wouldn’t? Now we’re both going to die!” shrieked the Frog.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I couldn’t help myself…I’m a Scorpion, it’s in my nature…”


Does this show Howie doesn't really understand jokes , humour , irony and sarcasm ?
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#287782 - 27/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: lockie]

Logisteric
i'm the mean and blunt kraut here
Brigadier General
Registered: 05/12/2008
Posts: 6663
Loc: Bär-City
nope, it shows that howie thinks the great bert brecht was in fact a comedian

edith: believe it - it's by bert brecht not by aesop (a greek comedian)


Edited by Logisteric (27/07/2011)
Edit Reason: edith
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i know not with what weapons world war III will be fought, but world war IV will be fought with sticks and stones albert einstein
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#287826 - 28/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Logisteric]

Marlboro Man

Major General
Registered: 12/10/2005
Posts: 7799
Loc: USA
A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said “You must be a good dentist.” He replied, “How did you know I'm a dentist.” She said, “I didn't feel a thing."

wink

Love's a sensation caused by temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population of the next generation.
Do you understand my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

wink

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

wink

Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

wink


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#287832 - 28/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Marlboro Man]

Off_Topic

Sergeant Major
Registered: 21/01/2009
Posts: 1549
Loc: Éire
When i was younger, people laughed when i said i wanted to become a stand up comedian.... they're not laughing now.
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#287968 - 30/07/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Off_Topic]

Marlboro Man

Major General
Registered: 12/10/2005
Posts: 7799
Loc: USA
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

wink

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

wink

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

wink
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#288065 - 01/08/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Marlboro Man]

slayer
first sergeant
Registered: 18/07/2002
Posts: 953
Loc: Mtn. View, Ca. Silicon Valley,
Wow Its been a lomg time.
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#294399 - 02/12/2011 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: slayer]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#301071 - 06/03/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: tao]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney go into a Texas bar. Over a couple of beers they plan the invasion of Iraq, taking out Saddam Hussein and taking control of Iraq’s vast oil reserves. The big question, though, is how Americans might react to their starting another war, with victory still elusive in Afghanistan. They decide to do an impromptu sampling of public opinion, and invite an average, all-American looking guy standing at the bar to join them for a friendly drink.

“What would you think of us invading Iraq and taking over their oil fields, if you knew that 30,000 Iraqis and one American bicycle mechanic would be killed if we do it?” Bush asks.

The fellow slowly sips his beer, his brow furrowed. He mulls the question and looks troubled. Finally he asks, “Why should an American bicycle mechanic have to die?”

Cheney slaps the table and grins triumphantly at Bush. “I told you no one would give a damn about the 30,000 Iraqis!”
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#301074 - 06/03/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: tao]

Sam_Hotte
lt
Registered: 10/03/2009
Posts: 2215
Loc: Middle of Germany
Where's the joke?
(Maybe the unrealistic claim that somebody would ever have a friendly drink with those two? wink )
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#301075 - 06/03/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Sam_Hotte]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
Your right...now that I read it again...it really aint that funny.
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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#303656 - 20/04/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: CAPT_TAIPAN]

howareyou32
Sergeant Major
Registered: 30/03/2009
Posts: 1040
Loc: New York, New York
The Lesson of Lions, Wolf, and Sheep
I heard a story on radio today and I thought it worth sharing.

Once upon a time, God demanded two flocks of sheep to stay with their enemy, whether a wolf or two lions. Whichever chooses the two lions have the right to swap between the lions as only one will stay with the flock at a time.

The leader of the first flock of sheep decided to choose the wolf because they thought the wolf was less threatening as it only ate one sheep in a week, but lion could eat one sheep a day. The other flock chose to stay with the lions.

At the beginning, things went like what had been expected, but soon the wolf realized that it had the power to decide the sheep's life and death. Eventually it became proud and rampant, it attacked the sheep even if it did not want to eat them. The sheep were powerless.

On the other hand, the flock that had chosen lions knew that the right to choose between two lions was their power to control the lions. They let one lion to stay with them and let the other starved, and the swapping process went on. Lions finally realized that if they did not behave well, the flock had the power to swap them away and make them starve. Later, the lions only ate dead sheep and stopped attacking the flock. While the flock kept both lions alive because they knew if one of the lions dies, the survived will have the upper hand over them.


Are you going to choose wolf or lions?
_________________________
"Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" - Patrick Henry
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#303662 - 20/04/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: howareyou32]

Marlboro Man

Major General
Registered: 12/10/2005
Posts: 7799
Loc: USA
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

smile

For our canuck friends. wink

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."


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#303754 - 22/04/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Marlboro Man]

Slax
Sergeant Major
Registered: 16/07/2006
Posts: 1279
Loc: Finland
Happy 13th Anniversary, Jagged Alliance 2!
Just joking. That's not until July.
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#304546 - 09/05/2012 Re: Joke of the day too ! [Re: Slax]

tao
A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. -Vito Corleone
Major
Registered: 03/08/2009
Posts: 4126
Loc: The Known Universe
"An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

Edit:

"Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blond shouts, "fire!!""


Edited by tao (09/05/2012)
_________________________
The journey is the reward...
He who knows he has enough is rich...
T.A.O. E.I.

tao
playboy
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